Teaching Waiting, Delays, and "Not Right Now" in ABA

Most people have experienced frustration when they have to wait.

Adults may become impatient while sitting in traffic, waiting on hold, standing in line, or waiting for an important email. For many children, especially those still developing communication, self-regulation, and flexibility skills, waiting can feel even harder.

A child who struggles with waiting is not necessarily being defiant, spoiled, or manipulative. Waiting requires several skills that may still be developing, including:

• Understanding time
• Delaying gratification
• Managing disappointment
• Trusting that a preferred item or activity will still be available
• Communicating wants and needs appropriately
• Regulating emotions during delays

For some learners, these skills need to be taught gradually and intentionally.

Why Waiting Matters

In daily life, everyone encounters situations where they cannot immediately access what they want.

Examples include:

• Waiting for a parent to finish a conversation
• Waiting for a turn during a game
• Waiting for food at a restaurant
• Waiting for a preferred activity after school
• Waiting for help from a teacher
• Waiting in a doctor's office
• Waiting for a sibling to finish using a toy

Teaching waiting is not about making children tolerate unnecessary frustration. It is about helping them develop skills that increase independence and participation in everyday life.

What Waiting Skills Actually Include

When ABA providers talk about teaching waiting, they are often teaching multiple skills at once.

These may include:

• Waiting briefly for preferred items
• Waiting for attention
• Waiting during transitions
• Tolerating delays to reinforcement
• Accepting "not right now"
• Accepting "later"
• Accepting "finished"
• Taking turns
• Staying calm during short delays
• Using communication instead of problem behavior

The goal is not simply compliance. The goal is helping the learner navigate real-life situations more successfully.

Start Small

One common mistake is expecting a learner to wait too long too quickly.

If a child cannot comfortably wait five seconds, expecting five minutes is unlikely to be successful.

Many ABA programs start with very short delays.

For example:

• One second
• Three seconds
• Five seconds
• Ten seconds

Success at shorter delays helps build confidence before larger delays are introduced.

Small successes often produce better outcomes than repeated failures.

Communication Comes First

Many waiting programs work best when learners have a way to communicate.

Examples may include:

• "Can I have it?"
• "My turn?"
• "Help"
• "When?"
• "Later?"
• "Break"
• AAC responses
• Picture cards
• Signs
• Spoken language

If a learner has no effective way to communicate while waiting, frustration may increase.

Communication helps replace behaviors that may have previously served the same purpose. This is why Functional Communication Training is often closely connected to waiting goals.

Using Visual Supports

Visual supports often make waiting easier because they help learners understand what is happening.

Examples include:

• Timers
• Countdown strips
• Visual schedules
• First/then boards
• Waiting cards
• Turn-taking visuals
• Calendars for longer delays

Visual supports can reduce uncertainty.

Instead of only hearing "wait," the learner can see when access will become available.

For many children, predictable waiting feels easier than uncertain waiting.

Reinforcement During Waiting

Successful waiting is often reinforced.

For example:

• A child waits five seconds for a toy.
• The toy is delivered immediately after the waiting period.
• The child learns that waiting successfully leads to access.

Over time, waiting periods may gradually increase.

The goal is to teach that calm waiting works.

Reinforcement should be meaningful to the learner and delivered consistently during early teaching. Teams may use natural reinforcement, specific praise, choices, or visual systems depending on the learner. For more examples, see Positive Reinforcement Examples for Parents and Teachers.

Some learners also benefit from a simple token system or visual progress board. A free token board can help make reinforcement more visible when that kind of support fits the learner.

Teaching "Not Right Now"

Hearing "not right now" can be harder than waiting.

The learner is not simply waiting a few seconds. They are being told that access will happen later.

This requires flexibility and trust.

Many programs teach:

• "Later"
• "After"
• "First work, then play"
• "When finished"
• "After dinner"
• "Tomorrow"

Visual schedules often help because they show when the preferred activity will occur.

The learner begins to see that "later" does not mean "never."

What About Disappointment?

Part of learning to wait involves learning to tolerate disappointment.

Sometimes the answer is not "later."

Sometimes the answer is:

• Not today
• It's unavailable
• Someone else is using it
• We are all done
• We need to choose something else

These moments can be difficult.

ABA should focus on teaching coping skills, communication, flexibility, and emotional regulation rather than simply expecting the learner to stop being upset.

Being disappointed is normal.

Learning how to respond safely and appropriately is the skill.

Avoid Making Waiting the Entire Goal

A common concern among families is that waiting programs can become overly compliance-focused.

The goal should not be:

> Sit quietly and never express frustration.

Instead, the goal should be:

• Communicate appropriately
• Understand expectations
• Develop flexibility
• Learn coping strategies
• Build independence
• Participate more successfully in daily routines

Learners should still be allowed to communicate discomfort, disappointment, and preferences.

Strong pairing and rapport can also make waiting programs more respectful and more workable because the learner experiences the adult as supportive, not just as someone blocking access.

How Parents Can Practice Waiting at Home

Many waiting opportunities occur naturally.

Examples include:

• Waiting for snacks
• Waiting for meals
• Waiting for turns
• Waiting for preferred shows
• Waiting while a parent finishes a task
• Waiting during community outings

Parents can help by:

• Starting with short delays
• Being predictable
• Using visuals when helpful
• Following through consistently
• Reinforcing success
• Gradually increasing expectations

Small daily opportunities often work better than long practice sessions.

Families should also be realistic about capacity. If every routine becomes a teaching opportunity, the plan may become too heavy to sustain. When home practice starts to feel overwhelming, it may help to talk with the team about parent burnout and choose one manageable routine at a time.

Red Flags to Watch For

Families may want additional discussion if:

• Waiting expectations increase too quickly
• The learner is repeatedly unsuccessful
• Communication supports are missing
• Waiting is used primarily as punishment
• The learner is expected to suppress all emotions
• Distress signals are ignored
• Goals focus only on compliance

A strong program balances skill-building with learner dignity and realistic expectations.

Questions Families Can Ask the ABA Team

Consider asking:

• Why is waiting being targeted?
• What communication skills are being taught alongside waiting?
• How are delays being increased?
• How do you measure success?
• How do you support disappointment?
• What visuals are being used?
• How can we practice at home?
• How do you balance flexibility and emotional regulation?

These conversations help ensure waiting goals remain meaningful and practical.

Final Thought

Waiting is a life skill that affects school, home, community participation, and relationships.

Effective ABA programs teach waiting gradually, pair it with communication and coping skills, and recognize that frustration is a normal human experience.

The goal is not to create perfect compliance. The goal is to help learners handle delays, disappointment, and everyday waiting in ways that support independence, dignity, and long-term success.